The Reflective nomad and the confused she camel

Paradoxically logically what a mess and the heavy conscience!
So it’s been a while since I’ve written and the like always I write to in the dead of the night... when all is quiet and under the stars... why is it no matter where you are in the world the night sky and stars are something that seem constant?
My last update (November) was all about hope- I broke free from London (or so it felt) and was heading to exotic Yemen and the future looked bright! My 6 page drool of optimism- was completely read by a few in its entirety...but was the promise of happy times – found in an ancient civilization...
Well- I haven’t written in a while because all that got murky – the clarity that I had then- what that moment in time represented to me...just vanished. Tonight walked along the shore and might have possibly said good bye to that little bit of idealism left inside of me- To all my cynical friend – the goats of my world and other- Hurray
Yes the penny dropped- see there is no ideal- the world is full of gross injustices- that nation of great people I write about above – have for two decades been fleeing running from bullets and mad men – to bewildering cities and prison camps- and it’s hard to explain what made a nation lose its way- loose its people- burn its land. I can’t help but feel the more blood shed the harder it is to forgive...
People are inherently selfish- there is nothing as altruism. In fact i would say the majority of humanitarian workers are guided by ambition clothed in false good! Then our work becomes more about comes about us and less about the people we are helping! Money is spent to build schools that don’t foster learning – at times they stand unused and reports are written to alter the truth!
its a business and a very badly run machine...it can even go in deficit ! world politics has local ramifications and people are the slaughtered animals that are sacrificed for the greater good that we all want- i knew all this all – yes from anthropology to development studies non to this is new- so what did i wash away with the water in my nights swim in the sea- i washed away the rose colored tinted glasses which made me think i could make a difference! See one small step- is not enough! Helping one person does not solve anything- our patronizing tent doesn’t not given someone who left his dear home life shelter-...I make shit difference and the only person I help is me ....